Saturday, January 19, 2008

u want post. i give u post. rarr. i feel so stupid. punched the wall out of anger again. now the knuckle is purple. den we get back to being rational. and fcuking bitches are so not worth hurting urself over. moreover. if i destroy this right hand and being right handed. i can say bye bye to my future man. ah wells. at least u got under my skin.

its not a particularly nice feeling u know.

material stuff dont keep a relationship going. but i know u never got together with me cus of that. i know how much money means to u and how little of it u get despite being from a family that lives in a condo, affords a maid and drives a nicer car than my own dad. excuses, fine, u have 2 siblings. ya back to the focus topic here, i would still try my best buy u stuff that u like. just cus i want u to look good, to be happy and not to feel less privileged than other people. i even buy u flowers. and honestly, i m quite a realist. not saying i wont buy flowers for people but to me, i will still find it a waste of money to buy something that wilts after 3 days.

and i hate ur job seriously. when i was not working, it took away 3/4 of the time i could spend with u. fine. suck it up. working life in the future is gonna take away many mondays to fridays anyway. so the least i could do was look u up when i m sure my parents wouldnt be suspicious or when my transport fare could afford. i even tried to take up the job even thou i looked down on it so much. and i got maluated and rejected in favour of a 'female selling touch'. now i m working, i m off on saturdays and sundays. but saturday u have to work. fine. its ok. i came down to meet u. i work too. i havent gotten to that level of weariness but i m tired too. and yet u, wont even do likewise for me tmr.

promises. u said u would change. u said u would have time for me even if u worked. u said u would exercise with me. u said u wouldnt cut yourself. u said alot of things. but non of it came to pass. and mistrust has to be my fault i guess. u said thanks. but within 3 hours, ur arguing with me again, read ur outbox in detail and u ll know how many times i got hurt reading those messages of urs. its almost like being pinned to a corner of the ring and getting ur daylights continously knocked out of u. are u really grateful or are u just saying thanks for the damn sake of it? sorry. to say sorry is easy. to not say sorry is also easy. but to say sorry and mean it is a totally different issue. nevertheless, refer to pastor tans message. den i wonder how much i m treasured. and seriously, to say a sorry and not mean it is as easy as taking off and putting on ur underwear.

and when u load me with all this baggage. i just try my best to suck it up. cus i m really fond of u. and i said once that i ll take the good side and i ll take the bad side too. and i treasure things that dont wilt after 3 days the same way i treasure things that dont wilt after 22 months or 22 years. but i wanna feel loved too. i wanna feel appreciated for the things i have done. i wanna feel treasured like i m a genuine part of ur life. analogy. its like being a part of a sports team. u are the team captain. u are in control. ur work, ur friends, ur free time are all ur players. so u play them on the field alongside u. den me, somehow or rather, u call me the the star player. but u give me a pair of pom poms and u ask me to stay in the stands and cheer. do u even know how reduced i feel. i was really tired. try staring at a computer for 8 hours a day. the second i came home, i dropped dead and slept for 3 hours. and yet, u tell me, this head cheerleader isnt doing enough.

best of all. u compare me to some guy in ur dream. u tell me how good he is and how unsuitable i am. from day 1, u said u wanted the tall and handsome people. u could barely give me a solid reason for liking me. fine. i forget. den next u tell me, u wanna get to know more guys and that hung throughout the entire jc time. thank god for only walter and li nan. fine. i ll suck that up too. den when guys come up and start liking u, first, to spite me or for dunno wad reason, despite my obvious objection, u went out with one of them, nearly got into shit, had a fabulous evening at vivo and i had to pick up the pieces. den came the other guy, and u couldnt even outrightly prove that u would stamp plus chop plus tatoo choose me over him, and u had to get ur fren to reject him for u. maybe u think its a small thing. but to me, its like, ur just gonna let him have opportunities and chances to keep chasing u by obliging him. and the worse part of it all is, u dont even oblige me. and if me and u could start off as frens and if u could be sure of not liking me at first only to like me later, wad makes u think that if u let him get close to u, u wont end up liking him.

and i hate to keep rambling so i shall just sum up. its like first, the things u do make me feel untreasure, unappreciated. u misplace my trust in all the little things i m unsure of whether u can trust u on the long run. all the things i do for u and u seem happier off with a guy in ur dreams. u claim i m integral part of ur life and i m supposed to stand on the sidelines. the need to know guys thing the floats in ur mind drives me even more to the edge. and even thou i have not full but a decent amount of trust in people like shawn russell. but i cant accept the fact u seemed happier and more willing to hang out with him and u would rather spend time and energy after being tired out from work to go out with him till such late hours which u dont even give to me. m i really being over paraniod and suffocating? it takes 2 hands to clap dear. and with all that, i m still sitting here, typing my anger away. wishing u would stop trying to quit and trying to run away. stop trying to spite, stop putting me last and start trying to change. if a country takes care of u and u have to die fighting for the country. great! i m all for it. but if the country gives u shit, ur still fighting for it and when ur nearly dead and they dont give much of a shit and expect u to continue fighting. den its quite a problem. cus u are communicating, by words, by actions, by body language, and this post is a testimony to that. but sadly, that is all i m getting.

|cowpoo| 9:14 PM|

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